A new beginning

Turning a corner. What a rough year. Losing my mom has been the most unsettling time of my life. I am lost. Distracted by trying to approach my art in a more strategic way, but I have come to understand that it is about retuning back to me.

I was losing what made me an artist, a creator of images and things.  As the wise art rep, Lilla Rogers says, "Follow Your Joy." But I was following an unresolved plan - filling my mind with strategies, plans, how to's. . .  and the joy was slowly sucked away. My mind churning with the same thoughts, but none that inspired or motivated me.

So in my abyss of sadness, taking in the reality of my mom's forever absence, and attempting to pursue what I was unable to approach in a smooth way, I have decide to go to the simple mind. To clean my mind of have to's, should's, could do's, try this. . . while entering hollowness - an opening, a place of purity must return - a house woman, a creator of sweet images to be shared. To be a mom, create wonderful meals, create a home where I am present in these young years - not somewhere else in my head - I have been searching in a world of distraction, where there is no path. I am walking back to me - to discover again . . .  Create from here. - from a stormy ocean full of treasures.

I will swim for a while in this water. I will look for clear water - rest on a rock, make treats from the beauty of the sea; a scallop plate, a salad of seaweed, a cup of tea from a urchin cup. A fresh meal I can share with the seahorse. I am the mermaid who has walked on painful legs, on a journey of grief. I have been in the city away from the sea. I will go back to the beginning mind. Nothing but favorite things, sweet beauty, amusement, a simple load, a clutter free place, an unknown. On a new road, a new ocean, starting with a swim, and I will eventually hear the songs around me - but I will keep it protected from what I have known. My head will be a cocoon for now to emerge, who? I don't know exactly. But I do know I will be here - a pure presence - rooted in the earth - not floating in a foggy place - mixed with much possibility that no sounds are heard. My mind is empty. Walk here. Sunny here. Looking forward.